It's been a difficult past 3 days. I haven't prayed properly since Liveloud. How ironic is that? You'd think after worshipping together with a crowd of 13,500, I'd be on a spiritual high. I cried, I laughed, I sang, I praised, I worshipped, I adored. But then it all came crashing down. Is this oppression?
Someone told me, "Marami ka pang masmaiiyakan (You will have more things to cry about). You will be disillusioned. You will be disenchanted. You will be disappointed. And that's why you have to be at the point na you're so affirmed in the calling, that no matter what happens, you will stay - because you know that that's where God wants you to be."
I guess the other half of reality struck. It's easy to say 'yes' when you're happy, when you're hopeful, when you can still choose to stay positive, when you're in 'lala-land'. But I was forced to think of the reality that's much more difficult, the one that I hadn't been thinking about for a while - the one that contained all the things I was fearful of - and I felt like I was back at square one.
I thought that if I just believed, I can overcome anything. But what if what I'm believing in is not what the Lord wants to happen? He said if I asked it in His name, if I didn't allow a sliver of doubt and believed it with all my heart, He would make the impossible possible. But can I prove myself to other people? Will my testimony be enough to convince people? And if it's not, does that mean that all those messages were never true in the first place?
I thought that if I just believed, I can overcome anything. But what if what I'm believing in is not what the Lord wants to happen? He said if I asked it in His name, if I didn't allow a sliver of doubt and believed it with all my heart, He would make the impossible possible. But can I prove myself to other people? Will my testimony be enough to convince people? And if it's not, does that mean that all those messages were never true in the first place?
A big part of me doubts that I can do it, when things are hard, and when things get harder (which will happen for sure). Probably what I'm going through now is nothing but even now, I'm already struggling to the point that I don't want to do this anymore. Maybe I should just stop now if I can't even withstand this tiny bit of challenge.
Nakakatakot mangarap (it's scary to hope); nakakainis bumalik sa start (it's annoying to be back at the very start). "Hindi yan start (that's not the start)", someone told me, "it's the B(elieving)-C(ourage) part", "Purification part". Medyo napapagod na po ako, pwede po ba magtampo? (I'm getting a little tired. Am I allowed to throw a tantrum?)
Yesterday, I wanted to attend mass but was unwell. Today, I wanted to attend mass but missed my bus, and the cab I booked cancelled on me, and I was late. Like wow, someone out there is really making things hard for me. I was 15 minutes late, which is a lot of late in a weekday mass (since they only last for 30 minutes), but I went anyways - just in time for the homily.
Father lamented about how we're always looking for proof that God is present in our lives or that He loves us. Why can't we just believe? Why do we so often seek God to find proof? I felt like God was scolding me and trying to knock some sense into me.
In today's gospel, Mary goes to Elizabeth in haste after hearing from the Angel Gabriel that Elizabeth was with child. Not to find out for herself if it was true, but she left already believing it was true and she was eager to give support to her cousin and bless her, especially now knowing that she carried Jesus inside her. Father also said that it was in the moment that Mary said "thy will be done unto me" that the Holy Spirit filled her and the word of God was formed in her.
Lord, may I be able to say the same so that your Holy Spirit can fill me and that I may carry Jesus within me (in word and in deed) so that I may bring others joy, in the same way that Mary's words made Elizabeth's child leap for joy in the womb.
And thank You for not giving up on me.
No comments:
Post a Comment