Mangoes

All my life in community and throughout my years of service, I've been well aware of my failings as a daughter. I could be much kinder, much more patient, much less selfish. Over the past few years, by the grace of God, I've become that little bit more patient, kinder, less insecure, more compassionate, in general; but that hasn't always translated at home with my parents, especially with my mom.

It's something that's always plagued me - that I 'couldn't' be better. In our lives, before we are anything else - before we are leaders, before we are friends, before we are students, before we are employees, spouses, parents - we are the children of our parents and sibling to our brothers and sisters, first and foremost. That's why I couldn't comfortably stand in front of people and accept when they called me a good leader or someone to look up to in the community. I always had that one key failing.

Now that this has come along - a true, concrete way to be a good daughter (in the traditional sense) and sister in my family, is this a sign from God that this is what I need to commit to for the next 2 years? Fully. Completely. We're (my family) all in this together?

But a part of me wonders if this isn't just me 'escaping' from having to discern. Is it just me looking for shortcuts - trying to come to a conclusion as soon as possible again? Might this just be the evil one at work? Financial support is not the only needs of a family. Where can I love my family more in the way that is needed for all of us to experience the fullness of life?

I need to ponder more. I need to pray more. I need to know Him more.

Lord, You are my shepherd. I know You call out to me always and You would never allow me to be led astray. Please grant me the wisdom to hear Your voice amidst the noise and the courage to follow You. I want to know You more through prayer. Please bless my prayer time and give me the patience to wait for You to reveal Your plan in Your perfect time.

Give me a heart like Mary's that keeps me moving with your Son, Jesus Christ, despite not understanding. I am experiencing fear and uncertainty, and I know I will continue to do so, but please help me to never be incapacitated by such oppression. Instead of being fixated on these lame attempts of the evil one to stop me in my tracks, give me the faith to continue moving towards You - for all these, too, shall pass and the day will come when Your glory will shine forth.

St Joseph, please pray for us.

Mother Mary, Queen of families, pray for us.

Suffering Embraced; Salvation Gained

"Hence I remind you to rekindle the gift of God that is within you through the laying on of my hands; for God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power and love and self-control. Do not be ashamed then of testifying to our Lord, nor of me as his prisoner, but take your share of suffering for the gospel in the power of God, who saved us and called us with a holy calling, not in virtue of our works but in virtue of his own purpose and the grace which he gave us in Christ Jesus ages ago, and now has manifested through the appearing of our Saviour Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought lift and immortality to light through the gospel. For this gospel I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, and therefore I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am sure that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me." 

2 Timothy 1:6-12

God's mission is one that calls for suffering. It is part and parcel of the mission. Paul was appointed and it was precisely because of his calling that he had to suffer as he did. Not in spite of it, but as a result of it. Paul wore that suffering proudly, for he believed in the promise of the Lord. It was also in his most trying periods that he was able to write the words that inspired so many early Christians.

Lord, grant me that same faith that Paul had. Give the me the courage to embrace the cross fully, for with it comes the salvation that I seek. May I be inspired by Paul's continually joyful heart despite his circumstance. I can only imagine that it is because he believed that "the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18). Help me cling to that same promise.

Like Paul reminding Timothy, may I remember that Your Spirit resides within me. Awaken Your Spirit in me and help me to be open to its promptings. You are present with us in this world through the Spirit. By myself, I cannot triumph over my sins and failings, my tendency to fall to despair and think only of the worst, the hopelessness that recently so often besots me; but with You, I can. Only with You, and only by Your grace.

Liveloud

It's been a difficult past 3 days. I haven't prayed properly since Liveloud. How ironic is that? You'd think after worshipping together with a crowd of 13,500, I'd be on a spiritual high. I cried, I laughed, I sang, I praised, I worshipped, I adored. But then it all came crashing down. Is this oppression?

Someone told me, "Marami ka pang masmaiiyakan (You will have more things to cry about). You will be disillusioned. You will be disenchanted. You will be disappointed. And that's why you have to be at the point na you're so affirmed in the calling, that no matter what happens, you will stay - because you know that that's where God wants you to be."

I guess the other half of reality struck. It's easy to say 'yes' when you're happy, when you're hopeful, when you can still choose to stay positive, when you're in 'lala-land'. But I was forced to think of the reality that's much more difficult, the one that I hadn't been thinking about for a while - the one that contained all the things I was fearful of - and I felt like I was back at square one.

I thought that if I just believed, I can overcome anything. But what if what I'm believing in is not what the Lord wants to happen? He said if I asked it in His name, if I didn't allow a sliver of doubt and believed it with all my heart, He would make the impossible possible. But can I prove myself to other people? Will my testimony be enough to convince people? And if it's not, does that mean that all those messages were never true in the first place?

A big part of me doubts that I can do it, when things are hard, and when things get harder (which will happen for sure). Probably what I'm going through now is nothing but even now, I'm already struggling to the point that I don't want to do this anymore. Maybe I should just stop now if I can't even withstand this tiny bit of challenge.

Nakakatakot mangarap (it's scary to hope); nakakainis bumalik sa start (it's annoying to be back at the very start). "Hindi yan start (that's not the start)", someone told me, "it's the B(elieving)-C(ourage) part", "Purification part". Medyo napapagod na po ako, pwede po ba magtampo? (I'm getting a little tired. Am I allowed to throw a tantrum?)

Yesterday, I wanted to attend mass but was unwell. Today, I wanted to attend mass but missed my bus, and the cab I booked cancelled on me, and I was late. Like wow, someone out there is really making things hard for me. I was 15 minutes late, which is a lot of late in a weekday mass (since they only last for 30 minutes), but I went anyways - just in time for the homily.

Father lamented about how we're always looking for proof that God is present in our lives or that He loves us. Why can't we just believe? Why do we so often seek God to find proof? I felt like God was scolding me and trying to knock some sense into me.

In today's gospel, Mary goes to Elizabeth in haste after hearing from the Angel Gabriel that Elizabeth was with child. Not to find out for herself if it was true, but she left already believing it was true and she was eager to give support to her cousin and bless her, especially now knowing that she carried Jesus inside her. Father also said that it was in the moment that Mary said "thy will be done unto me" that the Holy Spirit filled her and the word of God was formed in her.

Lord, may I be able to say the same so that your Holy Spirit can fill me and that I may carry Jesus within me (in word and in deed) so that I may bring others joy, in the same way that Mary's words made Elizabeth's child leap for joy in the womb.

And thank You for not giving up on me.

"Press on, Marie. Hindi naman ikaw 'to eh (it's not you who will be doing this). Like that message that God gave you at Liveloud, it will be God who will be working in You. God's love is great in you. Believe it! Cling to that truth! Allow His love to consume you and allow Him to reign in your life. There will be oppression and it will get harder but the Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still (Exodus 14:14)."

To love until it hurts

The other day, this was the topic of our household. Blessed Mother Teresa's quote "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." I've seen this many times before but I never felt like I understood it.

On the most simplistic level, with me taking it at face value, it might mean that there is a certain limit to hurt - once we hit that limit, we may experience more hurt but it wouldn't feel like more hurt; but with love, the capacity is limitless - there can always be more love - both for us to give and for others to receive. And when love and hurt hit the same level, eventually love will and always overtake the hurt.

The reality is love is inseparable from hurt. There can be no love without hurt. For if you don't experience hurt while loving, if everything is fine and dandy while loving and without any challenges - can you firmly proclaim that it's love? Luke 6:32 says "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them." 

Love is loving even when it is difficult, loving even when faced with rejection again and again and again and perhaps for a very long time. Love is loving even when you feel like it is all for naught. Love is acknowledging that there are things you want but putting them aside because they may not be the best thing for the other. Love is when you feel unappreciated by the very people you serve but continue to serve them with love anyway. Love is being there for a person even when you're lazy. Love is action done for the good of the other.

Looking back on the past week, I'm thankful that the Lord is slowly, but surely, steadily teaching me to let go and let His will take over by giving me several realisations.

First, that nothing on this Earth belongs to me. While I was discerning about going to Liveloud, one of the things that kept popping into my head was - "oh, I have to take leave from work" and "so much money just to fly back for this one night" /cue groans/ I kept thinking of what I had to sacrifice, what I had to give away, what I had to lose in order to attend Liveloud.

But the truth is hindi naman talaga satin 'to eh, walang wala tayo (none of this is ours, we have nothing). And yet the Lord is so gracious that He allowed us to have freedom over the blessings He gave us like our jobs, money, time, our life etc. I wasn't giving away anything, it's not even mine to give away. But instead, I am only returning them to the Lord.

Second, like what I explained at the beginning, love and hurt is inseparable. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of hurting. And that paralysed me. I was moved in my heart by God, but apparently not enough to overcome the fear of hurt. I couldn't say that I loved Him even though I knew how much He loved me because I didn't want to hurt.

Jesus Christ knew how painful his death would be; he knew about all the ridicule and rejection he would face. Those sufferings were for certain! And still, He chose to obey His father out of love; he chose to die for sinful Man, out of His love for us. For me, there was a hint - a possibility - of suffering to come and because of that, I didn't want to follow. I didn't move closer to Him and many times, I turned away.

But now that I've embraced the reality that if I am to love, which is our greatest calling as Christians, there is no way for me to avoid hurt completely. There is no step I can take in any direction that will shield me completely from hurt. I'm letting go of my self-preservation tendencies, letting of the need to 'protect' myself and keep myself 'safe' and focussing on me only. For what use would that be if I am depriving myself of the love that God wants to so readily pour on me?

Last, which is sort of in the same vein as the first, God is the source of all blessings and goodness. Success is not man-made. There is no point in being envious of my brothers and sisters. This self-preservation and pride that focuses on the need to be on the same level/ahead has to stop! The blessings that they have received were given to them by God. It is not about something I could have or should have done differently in order to have the same outcome.

The blessings He lavishes on us are not to be measured against worldly standards, be it who you know, who you talk to, who you're friends with on Facebook, who likes your Instagram posts or whatever. We have no reason to do that when Jesus already paid the ultimate price by dying for us so that we may have eternal life with him in Heaven (not the world).

God blesses us all equally, but uniquely; only He knows how everything will fall into place. St Augustine said, "God loves each one of us as if there was only one of us to love." He is continually blessing me in the way that I am to be blessed according to His plan, which may be different from others, but done with just as much love.