Finding God in Loss

So, 2 months back, in August, it was as I entered church for Sunday mass that I realised I had lost something very very dear to me, my rosary bracelet. It's a simple gold bracelet with an image of Our Lady of Perpetual Help on it and it's important to me because it's a rosary that both me and my best friend, Ate Vanj, have and bought together. And it reminds me that God is present in our friendship, that it was Him that made it such that we grew to become best friends, and to always keep Him in the centre of our sisterhood.

On that day, I was a little late for mass and while I was standing at the side waiting for the ongoing 'segment' to be completed before I could scurry into an empty seat in the pews, I discovered the bracelet was missing. I was very upset about it and immediately retraced my steps a bit (within the Church) to check if it had dropped nearby. But it was nowhere to be found anywhere near me. ):

Because the mass was ongoing, my sister and I took our places in the pews. But during the mass, I was so distracted and distressed thinking about it. I emptied my bag and went through all my things repeatedly. I don't know why I kept doing that. Maybe in the hope that it would magically reappear? That I had missed something? (side story: Now, this is not the first time I've 'lost' this rosary bracelet of mine. There was an instance also in November 2016 that I thought I had lost it and after not being able to find it after a couple of hours and checking everywhere, I had resigned myself to its loss. But miraculously, it turned up a few days later in my bag! Hallelujah!)

While I was in Church, I really wanted to get out of my seat, retrace my steps even further back, as far as I could, even to the point outside the church when I alighted from the cab, right at. that. instant. I was fidgety and restless and didn't want to just be sitting there in the pew helplessly when I could be actively looking for it.

But by God's grace, I thought: "This (rosary bracelet) means so so so much to me. But why would I leave the mass, this celebration of the Holy Eucharist, where the real presence of  Christ is, for a symbol? Christ is first, and He is here; He is really here before me." And so by His grace, I was able to stay throughout the mass and in His goodness, He put my heart at peace despite my loss.

After the mass, I was able to retrace more of my earlier steps but still the rosary was sadly nowhere to be found. I wondered if maybe I had dropped it outside my house (which I could only check much later because my family was heading to town) or in the Grabcar that I had taken. Not wanting to leave any stone unturned, I reported my item as lost in the Grab app even though I was not fully hopeful at this. There were times before that I was sure that I had left the item in the taxi/car but the driver just said that it wasn't there (I'm assuming because they didn't want to go through the hassle of arranging for its return).

But praise the Lord, because I got a positive reply from Grab's customer service — the rosary had been found! (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ* Praise the Lord! /cue tears of joy/ The driver got in touch with me soon after and asked where I was and praise God, He was in the Orchard area (near where I was) and offered to come to me to pass me back the rosary /cue more tears/. I had been happy enough that it was found but God made it such that it was delivered to me personally (without any additional or further arrangement needed on my part). Truly, God does not just give us His graces, but it is an outpouring and overflowing of graces. 

This incident also led me to reflect: "Next time, if something is happening in my life that is bothering me, will I allow myself to be distracted from God and the mission? And if in this instant, God has really willed it that the rosary bracelet be lost, can I let go of it? What about for other things? If God asks of me to leave behind and let go of my house, my brothers and sister, and mother and father, and lands, for His sake and the sake of His gospel (Mark 10:29) - can I do it?"

And I know that for the past year, God has been leading me and preparing for precisely that — to 'travel light', to let go of all that I have, and all that I don't have; to follow Him simply because it is He who called.

Thank You, Lord, for this experience and the learnings that You have allowed me to have from it. Thank You for always taking the time to teach me and being patient with me. Help me to open my heart always to Your leading and grant me the courage to follow wherever You are leading me.

Our Lady of Perpetual Help, pray for us!

(originally meant to be posted in August 2017)

Let The Fire Fall

"When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire."

This is a line from "Your Ex-Lover is Dead" by Stars that's always stuck with me. I recall that almost always, it would sound in my consciousness like a gong during the times in my service as a CFC-Youth for Christ (YFC) leader where I was undergoing distress and difficulties. And I would cry out (silently in my mind): "I've already given my all, but the result is still this failure. What more do You want me to do? Do I have to bleed myself dry until there's absolutely nothing left of me? Is this what You want, Lord? I'm tired and I'm fed up. I've already done everything I could and still, it's not enough."

And this line came to me again recently on the feast of Saint Lawrence, Deacon and Martyr on August 10. During the mass, Father told us about the story of Saint Lawrence —

The Prefect of Rome, a greedy pagan, thought the Church had a great fortune hidden away. So he ordered Lawrence to bring the Church's treasure to him. The Saint said he would, in three days. Then he went through the city and gathered together all the poor and sick people supported by the Church. When he showed them to the Prefect, he said: "This is the Church's treasure!"

In great anger, the Prefect condemned Lawrence to a slow, cruel death. The Saint was tied on top of an iron grill over a slow fire that roasted his flesh little by little, but Lawrence was burning with so much love of God that he almost did not feel the flames. In fact, God gave him so much strength and joy that he even joked. "Turn me over," he said to the judge. "I'm done on this side!" And just before he died, he said, "It's cooked enough now." Then he prayed that the city of Rome might be converted to Jesus and that the Catholic Faith might spread all over the world. After that, he went to receive the martyr's reward.

Going back to the initial line that I started this post with, it obviously came to me because of the relation to fire; but two things that particularly struck me about Saint Lawrence from these brief highlights about his background were:

1. His complete willingness to give of his own self. Could I be like Saint Lawrence, that in the face of immense difficulty and injustice — even to the point of a slow and cruel death — be so joyful as to be able to joke and laugh in those circumstances? During his death, he not only patiently bore the suffering in the fire, but even offered to be 'cooked' more (i.e. to suffer more).

Back then, there were many times (and even now, sometimes) when I wanted to give in to despair and give up; and I wondered what kind of God was He if He really wanted me to wreck and destroy myself completely. But I've come to realise that the short answer to my questions were — yes, it was what the Lord wanted of me. He didn't want me to just present to Him the things I could do for Him - my sacrifices or burnt offerings; but He wanted me - He wanted my heart and soul (Psalm 51:16-17).

He wasn't looking for my successes in service. And He didn't want me to wreck and destroy myself, He wanted me to be free of the burdens and misguided dispositions and thoughts I was stubbornly holding on to that were depriving me of true joy, His peace that is beyond all understanding and all that is worldly. He wanted to mould me and purify me in the fire that I may become precious gold and silver, as He had made me out to be. And this can only happen if I am willing to let go of everything and surrender them all into His hands.

2. His love of the poor, which drove his passion and conviction to serve them. Saint Lawrence presented the sick and the poor publicly to the unjust pagan ruler as "the Church's treasure" even though he knew it would be seen as an act of great defiance. This, he must have only been able to do because of his great love for them. When he called them "treasure", he truly meant it which gave him the conviction and passion to proclaim it to the world (despite the potential persecution he faced). It was in this act of martyrdom that exhibited his love for God and for His people. And going back to point #1 again, what a testimony of his giving nature!

How many times have I hesitated about helping my fellow brothers and sisters who are in need? Not just those in need materially and physically, but also those in need emotionally and spiritually? My first thought has always been to think about the cost to me, what I would have to give up in order to help them (my time, my money, my energy etc.). Do I even recognise their God-given dignity and see them as a fellow beloved son or daughter of God, especially beneath the difficulties that they face? Or do I just see them as something burdensome, an item I need to check off the "Good Christian" checklist so that I don't feel guilty?

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Lord, You know how fearful I am. Truly, you know me better than I know myself which is why before I even realised what it truly meant, you led me to this phrase — to dare myself to be ablaze for You, to rise above the fear and just surrender everything into Your hands. You know exactly what I need. You are amazing, Lord, because the line from the song I had been taking negatively before, You turned into something empowering. Help me always to burn joyfully with love for you. I thank You for introducing Saint Lawrence to me to be another companion and guide on my pilgrim journey on earth. Through his intercession and with Your grace, I pray that I may be as giving and loving as he was to You and also to my brothers and sisters.

(originally meant to be posted in August 2017)